YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP: You'd probably figure, if you've been reading this blog at all lately, that Scott Walker would know better than to send me an entreaty of ANY kind.
You would be wrong.
Probably because I have a record of support for good Republicans (Rep. Scott Klug, Gov. Tommy Thompson, Sen. John McCain, and most particularly President George W. Bush), the Walker campaign somehow got my address.
And I was regaled with this gem. Excerpted here (misspellings left intact—remember, this is our only sitting governor who flunked out of college—and with the inevitable "fisking" the bozo in the Big House deserves). Enjoy!
Badger State voters gave me a mandate to turn our great state around [that's why you're about to be recalled—because you miraculously managed to fuck up the state even worse than it was after eight years of Jim Doyle. And if you could do basic math, you would know that being narrowly elected hardly constitutes a "mandate".]
Every day that the Senate Democrats abandoned our state and stayed in Illinois, we lost precious time to deal with our state's crisis head-on [Actually, the biggest "crisis" in our state at that time was the one you precipitated yourself (and the reason the Senate Democrats hid out in Illinois)—your failure to announce that your supporters had signed on for a full-scale dismantling of union representation for government workers, which amounted to a hostile takeover of state, county, and municipal government. The Senate Democrats did what they could to forestall this completely illegal and morally odious move, and for that they are to be highly commended. And you're talking to a Republican here!]
Still, one commodity was in short supply, both for the fourteen Democratic Senators who fled to Illinois and the screaming protestors with their RECALL WALKER and other, shall we say less polite, signs: They weren't offering any serious solutions to Wisconsin's problems. Although that is patently untrue on its face—I was one of the "screaming protestors [sic]" and I have a plan to effectively fill the budget shortfall, but neither you or your staff ever showed the slightest interest in hearing our suggestions as you cowered in your offices during the protests—ALL the "protestors" [sic] agreed that the best way to start Wisconsin on the road to recovery is by getting rid of Scott Walker. And, judging by your performance in office so far, you'd be hard-pressed to prove us wrong.
...I hope you'll back me up by making a decisive contribution to our "Friends of Walker" campaign. Your generous donation of $25, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1000 or more will propel our conservative message and bring about the bold reforms Wisconsin desperately needs. Number one, contributions aren't "decisive"—but, hey, I'm talking to a college dropout. Number two, since when did the people have to pay to keep a sitting governor in office? And number three, you're already into my family's pockets to the tune of several hundred dollars a month... and that isn't enough for you? Get bent.
And, hey, it just gets better. Scottie has let me know that he is really desperate now for me to reach into my fat-cat pockets (except that he forgot that I'm a municipal school bus driver and my wife is a civil servant and he's robbing us for all of our disposable income every month) and save his sorry ass. Some of my favorite gems from his most recent missive:
Alois, our opponents will raise tens of millions from deep-pocketed Super PACs and Big Labor Bosses [capitalization in original: Scottie has a Germanic fascination with it], but we'll raise money with the grassroots contributions of strong Wisconsin supporters like you. [First, what the fuck is a "Super PAC"??? Are the drugs starting to kick in? And secondly, I don't HAVE any extra money, because you stole it all from me (a school bus driver) to give to your rich friends who promised to "grow jobs" in Wisconsin. [Heh. Heh. Here's our bank account number! ]
Alois, don't let the Liberals [cap in original] succeed in ousting me and returning our state to the bad old days... a state where businesses shrivel up and die [like now???], taxes will go up [I just got the biggest property tax increase I've ever had, on account of businesses fleeing the state], jobs will disappear [more jobs have disappered in Wisconsin since Walker became governor than at any other time since the first Great Depression] and all our progress will be undone. [You call that progress? You're a genius at Orwellian Newspeak. Just sign me up for the bad old days!]
If all of this isn't enough to convince you that you're looking at the most pathetic son of a bitch to ever occupy an American statehouse, I close with yet another direct quote [Scott Walker letter to supporters, November 7, 2011] that would prop up the thesis that our governor isn't only pathetic, he's paranoid:
Recalling me isn't just a goal for our liberal opponents, it's an obsession. [Emphasis in original.]
Well, Scottie, let's just say that you're right. Let's just say that that's true.
Why would anyone be obsessed with recalling a sitting governor if he was doing an even halfway decent job?
Posted by Alois on