11/11/05:

THE SUBURBANITES: In the small town I live in, even though we're only twenty miles away from Madison, we have managed somehow to avoid becoming a suburb. I've always figured that this is due to the relentlessly redneck character of the town, and a few longtime locals have affirmed this hunch.

But a few years ago, a small "suburban" enclave was established in the southeastern corner of the village. It looks like it was deposited there by aliens—the cookie-cutter ranches and colonials with muted pastel siding, the immaculate lawns, the overweening landscaping, the enormous wooden play gyms in each backyard. Daddies and mommies climb into their minivans and SUVs at precisely 6:45 every morning and return from their executive jobs in Madison at precisely 5:00 each evening.

Now here's the thing: Due to the fact of owning a large and rambunctious dog, I get to see a lot of weather. I don't care if it's 110 degrees or if it's twenty below; I don't care if it's pouring down rain or hailing or if the wind is blowing a full gale; I don't care if it's so dark that you can't see ten feet in front of your face—I am going to be out there morning and night walking the dog. And in so doing, I have made a discovery about the suburbanites:

Unless it's a picture-postcard-perfect day, they are nowhere to be seen.

It's as if these pretty pastel houses are isolation cubes. You can see the big-screen TVs flickering inside; occasionally you will hear a dog bark or a child yelp from within. But otherwise, no signs of life. Mommy and Daddy bolt the short distance from the minivan to the garage door and seal themselves up.

And on those handful of days each year when they emerge, it is invariably with a passel of kids (who knew?) and a little dog. They bound around the lawn grinning maniacally, throwing Gear™ into the SUV or minivan... until they catch sight of the interlopers, the disheveled townies who own the streets the other 355 days of the year. Hey: Who are these weirdos and what are they doing on our street?

It's probably too much to hope for, but I hope our town never turns into a suburb.

Posted by Alois on