12/21/04:

THE DAY I MET THE MAN. I'd like to regale my old leftist high-school buddy "Tom" here (he does like to occasionally torture himself by reading this blog) with the story of how I met The Man. I mean, "Tom" has only heard about the man... whereas I have actually met him.

It was back when I was nineteen years old and lived in Spokane, Washington. I was desperately poor—my diet consisted almost entirely of frozen Potatoes O'Brien—and wanted nothing more than to attend Spokane Community College, where the tuition was then $91 per quarter. But I couldn't get the money together, especially after my landlady evicted me for smoking pot (I didn't smoke pot but she smelled it in my vestibule and blamed scruffy-looking me instead of my clean-cut law-school neighbor who LIVED on drugs).

So I had no apartment, no food money, not many prospects, and definitely not an extra $91 to give to Spokane Community College. Dejected, I was walking up North Hamilton Street in the direction of Francis, on my way to see my friend Boyd and hopefully cadge some eats.

And that's when I saw this very strange dude walking toward me. He was tall, probably in his late fifties or early sixties, and he wore a black knee-length cloth coat and a tartan ascot. Definitely unusual duds for northeast Spokane. I guess I looked him over pretty good, because no sooner had I walked past him than he stopped me with, "Young man." He had a deep, calm, deadly important voice.

"Uh. Yeah?"

"Do you know who I am?"

"That's a joke, right?" I said. Maybe it was some recognition-starved, second-rate movie actor?

"I know that you're in trouble and I can help. If you don't mind, walk with me for a little bit, won't you?"

"Uh, listen. I don't swing that way."

"This is a business proposition, young man. Not a proposition-proposition. And personally, I don't swing that way either." He said it "eye-ther," which was a dead giveaway that wherever this gent came from, it was nowhere near Spokane.

"Well alright," I said, falling into step with the stranger. "You have a company that's hiring or something? I could use a better job."

"Heh. Heh," the stranger chuckled. "You really have no idea who I am, do you? Heh. Heh. Then allow me to introduce myself: I am The Man."

"Get out," I said as I shook his hand. "Not as in, like, THE Man?"

"In the flesh," said The Man.

"Wow. I'm just out takin' a little walk, and here I meet The Man. Say, isn't it kind of odd that you're in Spokane?"

"Heh. Son, I can't spend all my time in southern California and Puerto Vallarta. The Man has legitimate business in Spokane too, you know."

"Kaiser Aluminum, right?" I said, increasingly excited. "Hewlett-Packard?"

"Yes, among others," harrumphed The Man. "Dreadfully dull, for the most part. All this talk of leveraged buyouts and stock acquisition does begin to tire one by midweek." The Man adjusted his ascot, rather carefully. "But enough about me. My sources tell me that you're a young man of, ahem, modest means who is interested in bettering himself through the pursuit of a college education."

"Your sources ?"

"Don't ask. The Man would not be The Man without sources, would he?"

"Guess you've got a point there. Well, you are absolutely right. I am interested in attending college, but I can't afford it right now."

"That was before you met The Man," said The Man. "What school interests you? Harvard? MIT? Perhaps some of the finer schools abroad. Oxford."

"Hey, yeah, right. I could never get into any of those schools with my grades."

"I can make a 'minor adjustment,'" The Man grinned slyly. "After all, that is the kind of thing The Man does best."

"Are you saying that you could send me to Harvard?" Suddenly it felt even colder outside than it was.

"Young man, I am saying that I will send you to Harvard. As part of The Man's Continuing Education Program."

"Wow," I gasped, completely winded. "What did I do to deserve this?"

"Actually, nothing," said The Man. "You just happened to run into The Man on the street when he was in a, shall we say, jaunty mood."

"Oh," I said. "Actually, I think I'd rather go to Spokane Community College."

"Spokane Community College?!? But whatever for?"

"Uh... my friends go there? And I don't think I'd really like Boston. Or, er, London."

"Spokane Community College," muttered The Man, shaking his head in disbelief. "I mean, I had a young lady once choose Penn State over Dartmouth. But Spokane Community College? Really."

"Well, if you're serious," I told The Man, "I'm going to need, let's see, $364 for two years of tuition. And probably a hundred for books too. Say, if you were really going to set me up at Harvard, could I use some of the money I saved you for a deposit on a new apartment?"

The Man threw back his head and laughed. "Here's a check for one hundred thousand dollars; I think that should take care of your first and last months' rent PLUS any deposit, comfortably." He laughed again. "I'll drop by the college later today and take care of the paperwork. You'll start school with the winter semester."

"But you don't even know my name!" I exclaimed. "You don't—"

"Of course I do," said The Man. "After all, I am The Man."

"Oh, right," I said.

He shook my hand (a very firm handshake) and moved off down Hamilton, toward Gonzaga University. I doubted that I would ever see The Man again... but he had guaranteed that I would at least get a college education.

When he had vanished from sight, I looked down at the hundred-thousand-dollar check in my hands. It was drawn on the account of a company I had never heard of called "Halliburton". Forgetting about food for now, I cut across town to my branch of First Spokane Bank, check in hand, whistling all the way. My life would never be the same again... and all because of the benevolence of The Man.

Posted by Alois on